First meeting of AA!

I'm having a hard time with step one of AA.

 Can someone say it in a different way?

"

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."

Second part, duh, but powerless?

 Last night when I got here I came at 11 -- became scared -- drove around looking for someone to come with -- came back. I was frightened that this meeting wouldn't exist. I consider that my first successful meeting because 1) I didn't spend the whole time crying and 2) I felt like I had a right to be here as a self proclaimed alcoholic. I love the big book, but I still have a problem with step one...and I think it's only one of semantics. If I'm powerless -- why the hell am I here? Why did I drag myself out of bed last and say, "Um, my life is fucked up. Can I have some help?" I feel very sad for people without my support system. But I feel like I've been living my life in the passenger's seat of a car, letting stuff happen to me.

 Bill's story impressed itself best upon me, plus the story that wasn't really told -- that of his wife. She's mentioned briefly, obviously because this isn't Al Anon, but it spoke volumes to me as something that I've also experienced...and uh, dealt with by drinking. D'oh. AA is probably not my first choice for support; but it is widely available. When I talked to my cousin (LCSW) about my problems with the word powerlessness, and giving up what is left of my power, she didn't tell me I was wrong. She said there were other options online and would she like to look them up for me? I said, "No, but I would love for you to tell me to look it up." I still need help from my higher power (which seems to come from other people and animals at this point) but I have gotten better at accepting or finding it. I'm looking up several other alternatives at the library, which doesn't have the benefit of a group approach, but since I'm really trying to get into the DBT group, plus individual therapy, I should have a lot of options for help.

EDIT: Well, geez. Why didn't I just google it?!?  THE HUMANIST ALTERNATIVE

1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop drinking have failed.

source: http://www.silkworth.net/magazine_newspaper/humanist_jul_aug_1987.html

It's been about two years since I started this blog, and I'm not doing too great. :) But I've been spending some time thinking about dream homes, appreciating older buildings, fashion, food, and health. It's a step.

wasted

Didn't really do much today.

Insomnia til 4 am, took two pills, then awake at 2. From 2-5, I cooked and washed dishes, then went back to bed and watched tv/napped until 10.

Then Alex texted, asking if I wanted to go to Kailey's for dinner.

A group of us hung out, ate, etc. 'Twas fun. ^.^

I don't know what to say.

Hmm.

I don't know what to feel.

I keep telling myself that they heard the buzzwords, and said, "Hey, we offer this group therapy here that may be helpful". trying to be helpful.

I just can't help feeling ungrateful and persecuted.

Step 1

Today I had two appointments.

One was at 11:45 for the psychiatrist (Dr. C). Unfortunately, his office was running late, so they didn't end up seeing me until 12:55 (yeah, really!). But my appointment was easy. He wrote a script for 40 mg of Celexa (which I think is actually *less* than I was taking before, but I'll wait til I can afford to fill it) and also for 10 mg of Adderal (which I'm supposed to take half of every 4-6 hours).

Yeah, so we're trying ADD meds...again...haha.

The other one was an intake at the local teaching Mental Health Center.

I really enjoyed the psych who did the begining appointment, and she recommended DBT. I said, yes, that would be something I would be interested in...

Then one of the leaders of the group came in, diagnosed me as borderline within 20 minutes, and ... I dunno. I did not like that. It's a 1 year program, full of 2 1/5 hours every week.

It's described as:
DBT Skills Training Group
Focus: Coping skills training for persons with borderline personality disorder, based on Linehan's dialectical behavior therapy model.
Format: Weekly sessions for one year for adults.
Content: Topics include regulating emotions, being more effective in relationships, and dealing with stressful situations. Sessions consist of lectures, discussion, and homework activities.
She also started mentioning something about "bios" which was about people who are more sensitive and also raised in environments where their emotions weren't valid?

And even when I say, "SelfInjury is a private matter which can't be fixed by therapy"...they consistently say it can be fixed by that. Siiigh. I *know* they're trying to help, bless their hearts. But. When I'm happy, when I'm feeling capable and awesome, I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM. grrrrrrrr

Whatever, I made it both places today. I get a cupcake now?

Next entry: Self-Injury. I'm qualified to talk about it.

i have a spoon, wanna dig me out?

I guess I should talk about what this blog really is, and what I want it to accomplish.

I'm depressed. It could be worse, but it definitely could be better. It hurts to leave the house. Not only is it a struggle to make it to the bus stop, but once I see strangers...it hurts to see them. I only see pain, poverty, none of the good stuff.

It hurts to even see my friends without the crutch of alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, mind you. (I get VERY pissed when I say something, and people assume that one thing is all there is. [Wouldn't you?])

So I definitely want to improve my circumstance.

This is going to be a whinefest! It's hard to wake up in the morning, be positive, do what needs to be done, get some hobbies, and figure out what I want to do. Hopefully, once these things have been accomplished, I'll have some self esteem.

My Personal Goals:
-Walk 3 hours a week.
-Choose a hobby.
-Write in this blog as often as possible. (Once a day!)
-Keep going to the doctor(s).


Tools I'm Using: